12 times Taobao made my eyes bleed

You can get anything you want on Taobao (exceptin’ Alice). But just because you can get it doesn’t mean it should have ever come into existence in the first place. Here are 12 things I wish I had never seen.

1. These shoes

There were recently rumors that they were making a sequel to Labyrinth. Maybe the rumors are true because I just discovered David Bowie’s new Goblin King shoes. And they even come in three different colors!

You remind me of the babe.

2. This living room set

Kids, how many things can you find wrong with this picture?

We’ll get you started with the first four…

Are you up to 126 yet? Let’s zoom in, and I’m sure you’ll find a few more.

Joy to the world, indeed.

3. This purse

I can’t believe I don’t like this purse, because it was clearly featured on the cover of real, authentic, Vogue magazine, using a real, authentic model who was really, authentically holding this very purse. Zero signs of shoddy photoshopping here, folks. It’s nothing but confident showily and noble temperamentring, just as you’ve come to expect from real, authentic Vogue.

Plus it comes with a teddy bear. Squeeeee!!

4. This door

You would be tempted to think this is a giant faux-leather padded cushion right here in the wall, but no, it’s a DOOR. The design is trump l’oeil, from the French word meaning “decorating disaster.”

5. These baby wigs

Obviously babies need a lot of help in the cute department. Let’s go ahead and soup these kids up with some crocheting, bows, giant cherries, and fake hair.

‘Cuz nothing says sweet innocence like fake hair on a baby.

6. These car seat covers

You know what would totally improve the look of your luxury vehicle? Zebra print seat covers.

Not just any zebra print seat covers, mind you. These have velour bits, puffy padding, a ruffle-edged neck pillow, bows and a matching steering wheel cover. And heck, why not throw in a double strand of pearls, too? Put ’em right in the middle of your back for strategic massaging action.

There. Now your Audi finally looks high-class.

7. This outfit for little girls

“Mom, can I be ‘The Michelin Man Gets Hired as a Michael Jackson Back-up Dancer’ for Halloween?”

“Sure, honey.”

8. This wall art

Remember, even if you failed graphic design, as long as you can enlarge the heck outta photos, saturate the heck outta the color, and layer some 1998 clip art all the heck over it, there’s a promising career for you at this Taobao store. Heck, yeah.

9. These women’s overalls

Finally! A solution for all those women out there who are both A) shaped like Gru, and B) want to dress like Minions on casual Friday.

10. This bedding

I don’t know how you’re gonna sleep surrounded by this mess. In fact, I don’t know how you even get into bed without impaling yourself on the pokey crystal roses of love.

11. These matching outfits for couples

There’s a huge trend in China for couples to wear matching outfits to show how much they are in love.

Like this couple. They have the kind of deep love that says “pah!” to the rest of the world. “Pah!” to all the haters telling them they look ridiculous. “Pah!” to a row of triangular dragon scales on the seam of their shirts so they can’t put their arms down comfortably.

12. This toilet cover

I mean, how can you call it a throne if it doesn’t have velvet and lace?

Oh, good, it covers up those tacky stickers that are permanently affixed to every toilet tank in China.

Because the last thing you’d want in your bathroom is something tacky.

Anybody else’s eye watering?

The nice thing is, I now have a rockin’ list of ideas for what to bring to white elephant parties later this year. You’ve been warned.

Photos courtesy of these vendors: Title 公主殿下 1. 风美嵩情, 2. 路虎家具, 3. 原创设计师品牌包袋, 4. 摩美卡, 5. 友贝乐童衣, 6. 爱依瑞格, 7. 公主殿下, 8. 臻芝旗舰店, 9. 维卡恋, 10. 金太阳床品, 11. 哆啦贝贝之家亲子装, 12. 一家美布艺

50 signs you’re an American expat in China

Flipping switches

8 things Americans do that my Chinese friends find repulsive